back in the office – an explanation

I KNOW I’m not the only one going through major changes these last few months. Quarantine has thrown us into an uncharted territory of isolation, freedom in a sense, and undivided time with our thoughts. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. Thinking. Learning. Changing. Mediating. Appreciating. Listening.

I don’t want you to think that I gave up on this. I truly didn’t. I think the world just felt so overwhelming to me and I needed to catch my breath. You’d think in quarantine, I’d have all the time in the world to invest in this space. But the truth is, the present state of our world has never affected me more than it is now. It’s too heartbreakingly depressing these days. This year honestly…every day something has come out in the news that sends a ripple of shock through me. This can’t be real, I think. No way. But it is. And it’s felt like getting slapped in the face over and over again after expecting each to be the last. There’s no way it could get any worse. “But ahah!” the universe says. It can, and it shall.

And it did. Some of it snuck up on us. COVID-19, a great example. All of us January 1st: “2020 is our YEAR.” “Big things coming in twenty twentyyyy!” If only we knew what was in store for us. Although, after reading multiple articles in the beginning of it all, it sounds like it didn’t exactly “sneak” up on us – rather, the warning signs just got ignored. And then further mocked by the great leader of the free world.

Australia burning. The Amazon rainforest. I don’t think I have the capacity to throw myself down that rabbit hole today.

Tom Brady and Gronk playing for the Buc’s. Vomit.

And then there have been all the horrible, horrible deaths of Black people at the hands of police -which have been happening for decades – that we have just barely woken up to (from our slumbers of ignorance). Enough was finally enough.

And real quick – here’s the thing – so many people are quick to jump onto the Black Lives Matter train for the sake of being a “good white person”. Voicing your support of the movement is great. It’s wonderful, it’s NEEDED. But please don’t let it end there. There is so much work to be done, and it needs to be done actively for a long period of time. Racism started as a white person problem, is a white person problem, and can only truly be solved by white people. This movement can’t end once the media coverage does. It’s not our fault that racism exists today. But it is on us for maintaining and accepting it. (More of my thoughts to come, if you’d care to read. I just need to thoughtfully articulate them so I don’t come off mistakenly accusatory, which I tend to do when I’m upset.)

I think the vast majority of us just feel confused. How do we go about our lives and pretend to have a sense of normalcy? How do we take a day off and care for ourselves? Is that selfish?

No, it’s necessary. So long as we tap ourselves back in once we’re rested. We can’t care or fight for others when we deprive care to ourselves. We can’t binge watch the news and expect that habit to last. Ever heard of the term “burning out”? Of course you have, it’s our modern society’s go-to coping mechanism. The goal is longevity. We can’t win a marathon by sprinting full speed the whole way.

People I’ve always considered to be updated on current events in my life have stopped watching the news. It’s too much. It’s scary to process. There’s too much sh-t happening right now to be able to watch it and feel okay after. We have to find extra good in our lives to make up for all this extra bad. And it’s strange, because the opposite has happened to me. I’m watching the news more than ever these days. Does it get to be too much? Yes, of course. Is it exhausting? Most definitely. But I don’t feel like I can go on living my life in oblivion to the world’s suffering right now. Our future is up in the air, and I want to have an influence in where the pieces fall.

I definitely need to take breaks. Lately, I’ve been taking my days off from work as my days off. Off call, off guard, offline. It’s necessary. I’m trying to find all that extra good within myself to carry me through the rest of the week and get by. Doing things that make me happy and bring peace – meditating, stretching, reading, sketching, painting. Getting outside.

So I think that’s what it boils down to. I’ve been journalling privately, but I’ve had difficultly publishing anything because it feels selfish and less prioritized in light of world events. Irrelevant. I’m not sure what my voice is right now.

But life goes on, and with it, I must too. I still have these dreams, these goals, and a vision. I’m just trying to find the balance in caring about it all. And contributing to it in the humble ways I can. It’s exhausting, but I think it’s supposed to be.

On the flipside, a lot of self reflection and exploration have been going on these days. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an insistingly present inner-dialogue. It’s great. Most of the time. Like a therapist that never leaves. I can work through a lot of things myself but it also causes a hyperactive “let me overthink this” drive. So along with the perks, it has its challenges.

I guess that’s where I could use some work. I feel guilty for taking so much time off from here – but I’m kind of happy I did too…I just needed to reconnect with my whole reasoning for starting this thing in the first place. Write like myself. Not worry about impressing whoever. My “spark” has just been a little dimmed lately. It’s hard to feel inspired when you feel like the world is crumbling apart.

This year will be known as a challenging one. No doubt. But it will also be remembered a time of wild growth, too.

I hope.

Okay so that’s my schpeel. I’m back in business here. It’s important to me that this website feels alive again.

oh hey beautiful. thanks for reading my blog post! how was it? to get in contact find me on IG: katerosehayes or shoot me a message I’d love to be in touch!

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